We enjoyed the beautiful summer day and went strawberry picking this morning at Philbrook Farms. Desmond did well picking only the red ones… mostly, and Davin filled a bucket too even though it’s more like a difficult Easter egg hunt for him. We will most definitely be back.
Just finished my Jillian Michaels workout for day 12. This is my second time around getting to day 12, but last time I only went as far as day 15 when I found out I was pregnant and backed things off. I look forward to completing the whole 30 days this time. These workouts are tough, but the fun part is that it makes me feel strong afterwards! I’m starting to get the arms to prove it.
I captured a picture of Desmond napping the other day because I want to remember the little moments like this. He’s developed some distinctly Desmond ways of doing things. When he’s getting situated in bed to go to sleep he likes to snuggle all the way under the covers or he’ll at least make sure his head is covered. He likes to have bear, puppy, and blanket when he goes to sleep. He is a fidgeter with his blanket and often falls asleep with a corner in his mouth and a corner in each hand.
He loves to play outside. His favorite activities include drawing with chalk, blowing bubbles, pushing around his wagon, collecting rocks, and running through the bushes. He innately knows that trees are for climbing though there are no low branches on our little tree.
We enjoyed the Waterfront Village this afternoon. The best part was the cowboy show. He got Desmond laughing with his fire juggling. Here’s Desmond sporting his cool tattoos.
A few weeks back we went to check out Dozer Days here in Vancouver. We told Desmond we’d be seeing backhoes and when we pulled in to the parking lot Desmond excitedly says, “Backhoe!!!” “Do you see a backhoe, bud?” I asked. (No backhoes were in sight yet.) “No,” he replies matter-of-factly. Davin and I got a good laugh out of that.
We didn’t think many people would be at the quarry to check out backhoes, but man were we wrong! This was quite the event with at least 30 backhoes and bulldozers that older kids could sit in with an “drive” with an operator. We got ushered in by riding in the back of a huge dump truck. Desmond was thrilled to just watch the action and play with the gravel. Although he was super excited about the backhoes he didn’t want to get too close or touch them. Funny guy! They also had rescue vehicles which Desmond loved. We were all covered in a layer of dust by the end and there were many tears when we had to leave. (That’s when you know he really had a good time!)
Us in the dump truck and Desmond watching the action.
In the ambulance and fire truck.
Crawling through the tunnels and not wanting to get too close to the huge backhoe.
My second pregnancy has come to an end. I had spotting and mild cramping on Thursday evening and Friday. Saturday morning I did about a 2 mile run with Desmond hoping it could help things get moving. I felt like I was having a heavy period by mid-day but it was very strange knowing this was a miscarriage not a period. We went to Costco and around 5 pm I told Davin I needed to go home. My cramps were actually starting to hurt and I was feeling pretty crummy. As I visited the restroom while Davin checked out I thought, “I should be more compassionate toward people during the regular course of my day. You never know what someone’s going through. Here I am going through a miscarriage at Costco and no one knows.”
Once we were home about all I could do was lay on the couch with the heat pad. I think the heat helped but there were a few cramps I had to deliberately make myself relax through and just wait for it to pass. Davin was sweet and served me dinner on the couch. Around 7 pm the cramps had subsided and while Davin was putting Desmond to bed I visited the bathroom. There it was. So this is the end.
My bleeding has been much lighter since then with no cramps and I imagine it will all be done soon. I feel relieved that the worst of it was short and not that painful. I feel a lingering sadness that I will never know my second baby. He or she was really only alive for about three and a half weeks. So short! May God bless us soon with a third child who is healthy and thriving for many years to come.
I feel like sharing my story to help me process things but also to hopefully help someone else facing a miscarriage. I'm told it's quite common, but nothing feels common about this.
Yesterday was a very bad day. I could tell I was depressed from the moment I first woke up and wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. An almost two-year-old makes that an impossibility of course. I was going to go to my new MOMS group for something to do with my morning, but I broke down and was crying so much I decided to stay home at the last minute. My crying didn't seem to worry Desmond, and he thankfully did pretty well playing on his own off an on all day. I gave in to letting him watch a few hours of TV too to help us get through the day.
We tried for six months to get pregnant with this baby and ending in miscarriage two months later is devastating. Who knows how much longer it will take to finish up this failed pregnancy much less get pregnant again, so in a way I feel like we've just wasted the better part of a year (though I know in my head that God wastes nothing).
I am wrestling with whether or not to take Misoprostol to start the miscarriage. I want to get it going so I can have closure and a fresh start. I don't want to go to the hospital for a surgical procedure so I'm not even considering a D&C as an option at this point. I did some online reading of other people's experiences, and no matter which way I go it sounds like a horrible process. I'd prefer for my body to just do it's thing, but it can take a long time for it to get the signal. Either way it's really hard waiting and knowing this terrible day will come. I want to get it over with.
The other issue I had all day yesterday was wanting to eat. I wasn't hungry but I thought about going to buy ice cream all day. I deserve some chocolate, right? I knew it was emotional eating that wouldn't help me and was part of a bad habit so at one point I opted to do a Jillian Michaels' workout instead. It felt good to push it.
I felt much better in the early evening after a phone call with a friend who has also experienced a miscarriage and after Davin was home. I even had mild cramping and a little spotting for the first time. I feel relieved that it looks like things are starting on their own although so far it's a slow start and I haven't had any more symptoms. (I just finished an intense workout this morning thinking it couldn't hurt and maybe somehow it could help get things moving.) If nothing happens in a week I might go the medication route.
Today I feel more emotionally stable and hopeful about my future. I'm looking forward to having some friends over for dinner tonight and doing something fun with the family this weekend.
