Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Weary Mommy

Some days I feel I am losing the battle.  The kids are so demanding and there is little gratitude at this stage.  I just got both kids in bed.  I did Desmond’s routine first, but then he literally screamed and wailed for me while I tried getting Kaylynn down.  I find myself squeezing my eyes shut and taking a deep breath so I don’t flip out.  I don’t always succeed.  I got Kaylynn down, found the missing lambie responsible for the incessant screaming, and tried explaining to Desmond why I can’t always drop everything and run to him when he calls me.  I tried reassuring him that I hear him and always want to get him what he needs but sometimes he’ll have to wait a little bit.  (I’m sure he gets it now.)  Then Kaylynn was crying again so I fed her some more and got her down again.  I think her teeth are bothering her.  Anyway, it’s silent now and I think I should probably go to bed.

DSC_0020I’m feeling drained: physically and emotionally.  When I’m not dealing with kids I’m trying to do a load of laundry or dishes.  I feel I’m just here to clean up messes and take care of everyone else.  Many days I don’t even take enough time for myself to get out of my pajamas which sounds nice to stay in your pjs all day, right?  But then I feel so blah and gross.  It doesn’t help. 

I’m also tired of being overweight.  I need to find the time to get myself back in shape!  I think I’ll join a gym down the road and go at 5:30 in the morning before Davin needs to go to work so I can do it ALL BY MYSELF without any distractions from the kids or the endless housework.  The problem is I’ll have to go to bed around 9 so I can wake up at that hour.  (Yeah, right.)  Still I need to change something.  I hate starting every day with a sigh and a groan.  I know exercise will help me have more energy and feel better about myself.  This way I’ll have time to refocus, talk to God in the quiet of the morning, and get the day started off right.  I need to begin my day on a positive note before someone’s crying for me. I’ll have to sacrifice sleep to get “me” time, but when I start falling apart everyone suffers so I’ve got to do it.  God, please give me an extra measure of grace!