I feel like sharing my story to help me process things but also to hopefully help someone else facing a miscarriage. I'm told it's quite common, but nothing feels common about this.
Yesterday was a very bad day. I could tell I was depressed from the moment I first woke up and wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. An almost two-year-old makes that an impossibility of course. I was going to go to my new MOMS group for something to do with my morning, but I broke down and was crying so much I decided to stay home at the last minute. My crying didn't seem to worry Desmond, and he thankfully did pretty well playing on his own off an on all day. I gave in to letting him watch a few hours of TV too to help us get through the day.
We tried for six months to get pregnant with this baby and ending in miscarriage two months later is devastating. Who knows how much longer it will take to finish up this failed pregnancy much less get pregnant again, so in a way I feel like we've just wasted the better part of a year (though I know in my head that God wastes nothing).
I am wrestling with whether or not to take Misoprostol to start the miscarriage. I want to get it going so I can have closure and a fresh start. I don't want to go to the hospital for a surgical procedure so I'm not even considering a D&C as an option at this point. I did some online reading of other people's experiences, and no matter which way I go it sounds like a horrible process. I'd prefer for my body to just do it's thing, but it can take a long time for it to get the signal. Either way it's really hard waiting and knowing this terrible day will come. I want to get it over with.
The other issue I had all day yesterday was wanting to eat. I wasn't hungry but I thought about going to buy ice cream all day. I deserve some chocolate, right? I knew it was emotional eating that wouldn't help me and was part of a bad habit so at one point I opted to do a Jillian Michaels' workout instead. It felt good to push it.
I felt much better in the early evening after a phone call with a friend who has also experienced a miscarriage and after Davin was home. I even had mild cramping and a little spotting for the first time. I feel relieved that it looks like things are starting on their own although so far it's a slow start and I haven't had any more symptoms. (I just finished an intense workout this morning thinking it couldn't hurt and maybe somehow it could help get things moving.) If nothing happens in a week I might go the medication route.
Today I feel more emotionally stable and hopeful about my future. I'm looking forward to having some friends over for dinner tonight and doing something fun with the family this weekend.